Did you bring a saw?
Russ: "Dad, didn't they invent Christmas tree lots so people wouldn't have to drive all the way out to nowhere and waste a whole Saturday?"
Clark: "They invented them, Russ, because people forgot how to have a fun old fashioned family Christmas, and are satisfied with scrawny, dead, overpriced trees that have no special meaning."
Audrey: "My toes are numb."
Clark: "You see kids, this is what our fore fathers did."
Audrey: "I can't feel my legs."
Clark: "They walked out into the woods, they picked out that special tree and they cut it down with their bare hands."
Audrey: "Mom, I can't feel my hips!"
Clark: "Yes honey?"
Ellen: "Audrey's frozen from the waste down."
Clark: "Ah, it's all part of the experience honey."
Dad, Did you bring a saw?